Day 1: Mother’s Day

Today I’m facing my biggest fear.

I’m going to tell you about my journey with infertility. My highs and lows. My decision to chase my passion and help other soon-to-be parents. Deciding to tell the world you couldn’t get pregnant is tough - but I’m doing it with the hope of helping others, so here it goes!

Four years ago, on Mother’s Day, I sobbed quietly as I tried to just go to sleep. I celebrated Mother’s Day with my own mother and mother-in-law, and of course, I loved and appreciated them with sincerity and happiness. I messaged my friends who were mothers and joyfully celebrated them.

Then I cried myself to sleep.

It’s a weird feeling being completely happy and celebrating others while also feeling shame, sadness, and helplessness for yourself. I’d been trying to get pregnant for about 6 months at that point. Little did I know, the worst feelings hadn’t even happened yet, since I was not “infertile enough” to see a doctor yet. I hadn’t gone through the appointments, shots, ultrasounds, and seemingly endless tests. I was still trying to find optimism and hope every month.

I had a plan for my life, and like the scientist I am, I planned and executed that plan. I finished my doctorate, got married, kinda settled down, and now was baby time! I spent my entire life making sure I would not have a baby until this moment. So I took my IUD out and just had fun! Then the first few months went by, and my period came, and I thought, "ok, no big deal. Maybe this is good, and I just am getting more time to prepare and really settle down." Slowly and seemingly unnoticeably, I started thinking about why I wasn’t pregnant yet, more and more each month. Then I started trying to time it better… we must just be missing the window. Over 16 months, our fun time went from fun into being a 2nd full-time job - with a work schedule down to the minute.